Totally Screwed
by Porkchop's Little Ditty
Summary: A Jiraiyacentric short story. Having too much time on his hands leaves Jiraiya open for a whole lot of nothing. Nothing good, that is... JiraiyaX Drinking PWP?


There's nothing funnier to me than Jiraiya on the prowl. This is a one shot I wrote some time ago and decided to finally share. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. ;)

Warning: This short story is rated 'T' due to the sexual insinuations involved. However, there is absolutely no sexual content. If you think this sort of material might offend or bother you, please hit the back button now. If anyone feels that the rating should be bumped up to 'M', please let me know. I truly feel a 'T' rate is sufficient... but I have been wrong more than once.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or it's characters. I just enjoy putting them into my twisted stories for my own odd pleasure.

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After a liquid lunch at a pub located in the middle of Konoha, a very inebriated Jiraiya found himself staring between the empty bottles of sake and out the storefront's window. 

He didn't _mean_ to get himself besotted. It just sort of happened that way. If he had to make a somewhat educated guess, he would say it happened between the fifth and sixth bottle; but he was definitely drunk by the seventh.

Yeah. That was it!

_'The seventh bottle knew I was already wrecked and still let me drink him.' _ He thought to himself while angrily smirking at the inanimate bottle that sat in front of a long line of others.

Pointing caustically at the empty ceramic object and mumbling between gritted teeth, Jiraiya began the scolding. "That's right buddy. Friends don't let friends get drunk and talk to bottles."

Hearing a very one sided argument across the way, the bartender made his way over to see what was going on. Lunch time equaled a heavy volume of patrons. Although Jiraiya was one of the highly regarded San-nin, he could not afford to have people walk out over a fight.

"Everything alright here Jiraiya-sama?"

He nodded back with his eyes closed and arms crossed over his chest in an obvious state of defiance.

"Then... can I get you anything else?" He asked; hoping that another bottle of sake would not be Jiraiya's reply.

"No thank you." He responded with his eyes open. "Would you mind getting rid of these bottles though? That guy.." He pointed to the trouble making seventh bottle. "He's been causing nothing but problems over here."

"Of course, Jiraiya-sama. Right away."

The bartender proceeded to load up his tray with the empty bottles. He managed to hold back a laugh until his back was completely towards the very intoxicated San-nin.

Being the wise intuitive shinobi he was know to be; Jiraiya was about ready to get ugly with the chuckling bartender. He stood from his stool, as tall as a tower and reached over the counter; grabbing the man by the collar. All of the bottles slid off the tray and crashed to floor in a series of mini explosions.

The pub suddenly quieted and all eyes were on the scene taking place. Feeling the uncomfortable silence surrounding him, Jaraiya let go of the bartender and smiled awkwardly at him.

Not wanting to further the issue for himself or the man's business, he coughed into his hand and stated rather loudly, "Yeah. So, that is exactly how you get the attention of a retreating enemy."

He then straightened the bartenders shirt and smoothed his hand over the shoulders to finish the newly composed look. Laying down a bunch of coins on the counter, he squinted an eye and directed both pointers at the shaken man.

"Being you seem busy, how about we pick your training up another time?" he stated coolly.

The trembling bartender played along as he tripped over his words. "Y-yes. Of c-course Jiraiya-sama. Another time would be great... for me. Thank you."

Jiraiya winked obliviously at the man as he waved to the rest of the patrons and exited to the street like some famed rock star.

Being drunk was a great way to end a night. That is, if your only other plan was to go sleep off the effects of the alcohol. A highly respected shinobi had no business sleeping in the middle of the day. That would be considered irresponsible and a waste of daylight hours.

What else could he do now that he was totally soused? He thought the best he could over all of the options.

He could pay a visit Tsunade to see if she wanted him to do anything or have a deep conversation about the up and coming ninja. It was likely she was wrecked too. She was a mean drunk though. The result would be far too dangerous to his health.

He could seek out Naruto and see how his training was progressing under Kakashi and Yamato's watchful eyes. That would mean of course he'd have to be jibed about his drinking and indulging in women; once Naruto figured out his current state.

Neither pastime seemed overly appealing at the given moment.

Taking in his surrounding, the best that he could; Jiraiya spotted a most divine female specimen sauntering down the street.

"I guess today will be devoted to collecting data for my next book." he mumbled incoherently under his breath.

'Collecting data' was his scientific name for what was by law, considered stalking. No one in their right mind could possibly accuse one of the legendary San-nin and famed author of being a stalker. Any woman that was able to capture the attention of such an important figure to Konoha should consider herself lucky and not a victim.

Seeing double, Jiraiya shut one eye to focus on the ravenous beauty that strolled by only moments ago.

She had to be in her early to mid twenties. She had on a short, light weight kimono adorned with pale blue flowers and trimmed with a slightly darker satin piping and matching obi. Her dark tresses were swept into an elaborate up-do. It was the kind of intricate hairstyle that the removal of a few clips would cause a breathtaking cascade of thick waves to fall well past her shoulders. It was clear to anyone that this was a very well kept woman.

With the stealth of neon pink elephant, Jiraiya moved closer; cleverly thinking he could hide behind trash cans and people. If in a less toxic state of mind, there would be no doubt someone of his ninja prowess could be invisible to the world. What only mattered right now is that **_he _**believed he was being inconspicuous.

Jiraiya got close enough to be able to catch the smell of her perfume. He rolled his eyes up until they shut; taking in the undeniably feminine scent.

_'Hmmm... White lotus fragrant oil. Very expensive. She must be a high classed lady.. with good looks to boot!' _

The object of his stalking crossed over one last side street before ducking into a corner storefront.

Not wanting to appear obvious in his 'research', Jiraiya opted to stay hidden on the side of the building. He inched his way towards the front side of the wall so he can get a closer look at the woman.

"Good afternoon ma'am." the store clerk greeted her politely with a bow.

She smiled back warmly offering a bow of her own that displayed her line of cleavage better than it should have.

Jiraiya's thoughts were tearing at his perverted mind. _'Well dressed, beautiful body, smells like a million dollars, killer smile **and** she has an ample bust line. It can't get any better than this.'_

The clerk continued administering his attention on the beautiful client standing before him. "Is there anything I can help you with today?"

"Why yes." she spoke.

Jiraiya clenched his fists tighter. _'A voice like an angel. I must have died and went to heaven!'_

"I am in need of a _really _long screw." she stated quite bluntly.

_'Oh good lord. She didn't just ask to be screwed; did she?' _Jiraiya's jaw dropped to the floor.

The clerk did his best to comply with his patron. "How long of a screw are you looking for?" he asked in all seriousness.

The well dressed vixen of Jiraiya's dreams held her hands about a foot length apart. "About this long will do."

With his heart now beating out of his chest and a nosebleed on the rise, Jiraiya slapped his hand over his face in disbelief. _'She's a size-queen! My prayers have finally been answered... just come to Daddy. Jiraiya will take care of everything!'_

"I think I can accommodate you." the clerk responded with a comforting smile.

Jiraiya scowled at the man from his corner. _'Show off.'_

The store clerk continued, "I can show you my hardware, if you like. Do you know how thick you'd like it to be?"

_'This guy is a professional. No doubt about it... How come I never seen this place before? I bet I could make a better living working as a gigolo than writing books.'_

The woman thought for a moment before answering. "I'm more interested in length than width. My husband sent me to town and told me I was in search of a long screw. Money is not an issue."

_'Swingers!' _Jiraiya was now sporting a full flowing nosebleed out of both nostrils._'I would have married if I could have found a woman like this.'_

The clerk nodded. "If you would, please follow me to the back of the store."

The woman grabbed the clerks extended hand graciously and followed him down the two step drop into the store.

_'Oh no you don't. I saw her first!'_ was his last thought before jumping out from behind the side wall of the store.

"Both of you stop right right there!" Jiraiya announced his arrival on the scene.

Both people stopped dead in their tracks and looked at the drunken man who was hemorrhaging from the nose.

"I assure you I have everything you need, young lady." the San-nin announced triumphantly. "I am the amazing Jiraiya- The most honorable shinobi of the Village Hidden in the Leaves, the famed author of the prized 'Icha Icha' erotica series and so good looking, the women can't resist me!"

Amused by the elaborate display before her very eyes, the woman enthusiastically asked, "And you sell decking material?!?"while clapping her hands in appreciation.

A little confused by the question just asked of him, Jiraiya took a few steps back out of the store and looked up at the sign above head.

It read, 'Konoha Lumber Store'.

With his heated cheeks turning the same shade of a ripened tomato, Jiraiya scratched his head.

"You folks have a nice day now... Good luck with that deck ma'am." he muttered and bolted down the street.

Maybe sleeping the day away wasn't such a bad idea after all.

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A/N: Semi- retirement is hard work on a guy like Jiraiya. I have no intentions of continuing this story.. though the future might bring about some more Jiraiya-centric short stories. I can't make any promises at this given time. 


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